After the overwhelming(ly negative) response to my fashion advice post, I solicited more questions from my virile and rambunctious Twitter followers, this time on the subject of love and/or s*x of which I am also a knowledgeable expert. Below I have answers your questions using my knowledge of ovaries and friends with benefits and so forth.
Úna Mac Ní Heochalaigaingáire asks: In rural Ireland it is hard to find the men. Where can I find the men?
Romance Pat_Bren Responds: Men are in lots of places Úna, you just have to know where to look. Men work on the railway, and fly planes above you over your head. Sometimes postmen are men. Sometimes, you may be overlooking something that is actually a man, like a man who looks like a statue or a sofa. Also, consider that some women are quite lovely and may be willing to have s*x with you, and that men are bad.
Hugh Jackman Not The Actor asks: I’m a nice guy. I make $100,000 a year, live in a nice house, can easily provide for myself and a partner, am genial and easy to talk to, sociable, a good listener, and I give amazing foot massages and yet still I can’t get women to like me. Why is this?
Romance Pat_Bren Responds: I looked up your Facebook and it appears you have a gigantic artichoke instead of a head, that’s probably why.
What is Up With Your Head asks: I am a gay man. However, I live in 1849 and work in a coal mine. By the time the eighteen hour work day is over, I’m just too tired to have s*x with men. Any advice?
Romance Pat_Bren responds: Assuming your loved one works with you, I’m sure you could get away with having s*x in the mines when no-one’s looking. The mines are very dark and filled with noxious fumes so even if someone does see they will probably die very soon afterwards. Make sure to bring a canary, be weary of cave-ins and try not to get too much coal dust into your manly orifices.
Satan and Nazis are Cool lol Shut Up Mom asks: I am a 13 year old boy teen and have never had s*x. Everyone else in the world has had s*x but not me. Will I ever have s*x?
Romance Pat_Bren responds: Not looking good, I’m afraid. You should have had s*x many times already, and already be settling down, thinking of marriage and applying for a mortgage. Perhaps you’ll find a job that only people who don’t have s*x will do, like programming robots or being Pope, but probably not. It’s over. Your life is over. Forget it.
Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxx asks: I work in the XXX. Sometimes, while hacking someone’s email account or scanning their text messages for evidence of dissident activity, I find a poetic letter or wonderfully innocent phrase that makes me go goo-goo. How can I tell the person I want to make passionate, lawful love to them without destroying the fragile net of fear and insecurity that keeps capitalism afloat?
Romance Pat_Bren responds: Hmm. Tricky one. I would say send a drone to drop a missile filled with flowers and perfume at them, or filled with guns and anthrax so you can frame them and drag them off to Gitmo like they deserve. It’s just a matter of time anyway, why even bother pretending? The terrorist scum blend among the population, using innocents as cover, killing and maiming with no regrets, fundamentally disgusting savages unfit to exist in the same world as the good and kind, worthy only of extermination. May their bones bleach in the desert for a thousand years, the no-good bastards, the evil monsters, the disgusting tumours on all the earth, that take and destroy all the good that God has given us in His infinite wisdom.
Or just go up to them and say “hi”, that might work.