6 Ways to Win a Fight!
by Patrick Brennan
I’ve never done a proper fight but when I hear about people getting beaten up all I can think is “what are you DOING idiot, fights are EASY to win!!” Seeing as I know lots of stuff and everybody else knows nothing, I have written this article to help you not get beaten up if you ever do a fight.
This is something you might forget when you get really angry from doing fights, but doing punches is a good way to win. You put your “fingers” close together like when you’re standing in a queue too close to someone else and you’re touching their bum by accident. Then with the tight fingers close together you bring your arm forward and hit the person on the face/legs. Hopefully the other person has not thought of doing this thing and doesn’t know how and you will easily win the fight.
If punching doesn’t make you win the fight for some reason, you will have to move on to grabs. This is like when you hug your grandmother to thank her for your Christmas presents even though they were really bad but you have to believe it’s the thought that counts. When the person you’re fighting gets close to you, put your arms around them and hold them really tightly. If you are a woman, you are probably really good at hugs already so this will be easy. Hold them until they say “okay, you win fight!!” and then you have won the fight.
Kick is like punch, but with leg foot.
4. Scream for police
This is a good one if you can’t win and need help. If you get the police they will arrive and start beating up whoever they want to with a big black stick. They might even put the people in jail forever so you also can take all the person’s money/life over as your own!
5. Drive over with car
This is not recommended unless you are very bad at fighting. When the fight starts, you run to your car and then drive the car to the person quite fast so that they die. The police however do not really like this and you may go to jailprison.
6. Press R3
If you sneak up behind someone who hasn’t seen you and press the R3 button (push down on the top of the right analog stick), you will do a series of crazy moves including: back/side punch, kick, throat slap, knifing and stabbing. This is a last resort as you will easily win the fight which is no fun at all.
Now you have won and your crumpled foe(s) lie(s) at your bloody shoes. What next? Marriage? A nice house boat on the Riviera? Only time can tell! The world is yours! Fight on you crazy moll!